What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:34
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why am I not attracted to masculine men? Why do I like more feminine attributes on a man?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im still living with it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?
I have no regrets .
We all went to grammer schools
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What are some photos of female sexual organs?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How good do you sing and how do you know this?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot live in the past .
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My life is so biszare .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
Was to survive, this bastard.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
And i lived it daily.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
She was in good health!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.